Dear Joey,
Christmas sucks! My parents are divorced and my dad moved in with his girlfriend of six months and her kids. I am fifteen and have to spend Christmas with my dad. He told me that I have to call his girlfriend, \”Mom,\” and her kids, \”my sisters.\” I don’t want to. I told him no, and he started yelling that I\’m ruining his life. I cry every time I think about spending Christmas with him and his girlfriend. Please help!
Realize that your dad is afraid he has ruined his own life. His denial about this is so deep, he can’t take responsibility. That\’s why he blames you. Don\’t support his effort to make you his scapegoat. Instead, parent yourself by refusing to believe his lie. After all, you don\’t have more power over his life than he does.
It\’s also important to practice kindness by not blaming yourself for your parent’s divorce. The end of a marriage is always about a couple’s inability to work through their own problems. If they argue about a child, it’s proof of their inability to parent cooperatively. That’s not the child’s fault.
So don’t let your dad push you into pretending you are closer to his girlfriend and her daughters than you are. Your resistance is not insubordination. It’s self-care. Ask your mom to intervene on your behalf. If she is unwilling, or unable to do so, ask a counselor at school for help. And stop scaring yourself with thoughts of spending Christmas at your dad’s. When your mind raises the ghost of Christmas future, pull it back into the present by naming all of the ways you are well and happy in this moment. Focus on the little joys and you\’ll build the resilience necessary to face your father without being intimidated by his bad behavior.
Joey Garcia coaches teens and adults to create happier relationships—especially with themselves. She\’s written the Ask Joey relationship advice column for the Sacramento News & Review newspaper since 1996. She\’s also the Relationship Expert for a network television station. Her book, When Your Heart Breaks, It\’s Opening to Love, received a national award for books that promote tolerance and forgiveness.
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